Happy 6 Years, My Love

It was more than 11 years ago that I stood in a park, under the trees on a hot summer day in Virginia Beach, chatting with some friends, when a small Filipino man named Fred came over to me, eager to introduce me to his daughter, Jocelyn Torres.  That day began a marvelous friendship with the most captivating, fascinating woman I have met in my nearly 34 years.  Five years later I married her, just three miles south of that meeting spot.  Ten months later Joyce gave birth to our firstborn son, and the rest has been a roller coaster ride of adventure, laughter, pain, challenges, richness and love.  Yesterday we celebrated six years together.  We were back in Virginia Beach, celebrating with her family, and we spent the best hours of the day visiting our old haunts–the patch of grass where we took vows, the trees under which we met, the restaurant we frequented while dating.  I love this woman.  My love grows deeper for her every week.  And as I frequently tell her, I am so looking forward to spending our richest years together, the years of summer, the years of autumn, and the years of winter.  Happy Anniversary, my dear.

Lukas Connor & Emma Jayne Lenore

Meanwhile, last night while still in Virginia Beach, I was at an event with some friends and relatives.  Made some new friends, rekindled some old relationships.  Church planters, ministry financiers, worship leaders, missionaries, youth pastors.  Someone caught my ear for a moment, and asked me this question, “If someone were to ask you, ‘I am just taking up my first full-time pastoral position.  What is the most important thing I can do as a pastor?’  What would you tell them?  What is the most important thing for a pastor to do?”  I thought that was an interesting question.  The question was asked with sobriety, with a genuine interest in my answer.  I told this person that I would get back to them.  The following is my answer:

The most important thing? Keep the fire burning.

What is the most important thing for a pastor to do?  Some might respond to that by correcting the question, by saying that more important than what a pastor does is what a pastor is.  That is true.  Others might respond by saying that the answer really depends on the situation, the calling, the context, etc.  There is also some truth to that.  Yet others might suggest that some of the “centerpieces” of the pastor’s life are the most important: Prayer.  Family.  Balance.  All are good answers.

My answer is this: To keep the fire burning.  To keep the flame lit.

There are several flames in the pastor’s life–the flame of one’s calling, the flame of one’s devotion to God, the flame of one’s inner sanctuary, and others.  Whatever the fire is called, there is indeed a fire that must be fanned, must be stoked, must be fed and tended.

...the flame of one's calling, the flame of one's devotion to God, the flame of one's inner sanctuary...

It is this fanning of the flame that I see as one of the most important things that a pastor can do.  Certainly different situations, different seasons call for different ways of tending to the flame.  Every pastor is different, and I think every church ought to resource and provide for flame-fanning.  Whatever lights the fire and feeds the fire of the pastor in your church–I think it ought to be the high priority of the church board, the overseers, the leadership to see to it that the pastor gets an abundant diet of that flame-fanning.

But lest it seem that I suggest that flame-fanning is the responsibility of the church, let me say that it is the minister who is responsible to make sure this happens.  I can’t speak for others, but for me, these are some of the things that feed my fire:

1) Traveling to places where the fires are hot
2) Spending time with men of God who are on fire
3) Regularly going on weekend getaways with my wife (with no kids!)
4) Traveling overseas regularly to worship with the international church
5) Reading fiery books
6) Playing, Writing, Reflecting, Creating

It was painful. It tore my heart out. It is temporary. It is one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life.

Do I think these things are necessary?  No.  Am I recommending them?  No.  I’m simply sharing some things that have fanned my flame.  You might notice the absence of things like “Pray,” “Read the Bible,” and other such important spiritual disciplines.  Well, I’m not writing about important spiritual disciplines.  I’m writing about flame-fanning.  I think that whatever works for you works for you.

These days, one of the greatest things that has fanned my flame has been this: Resign from pastoral ministry.  God led me to take that step.  It was extraordinarily difficult.  It was painful.  It tore my heart out.  It is temporary.  It is one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life.  It has been exceedingly rewarding.  It has fanned my flame.  God is sovereign.

“…I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands” (II Tim. 1:6).

The following is a summary of our “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks” class session on Sunday morning, November 29th.  (Read the introduction to this course right here: “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks.”) The fifth principle I teach in this series is “Take Responsibility for Formation”:

"The form of education makes very little difference in the state of a young person's soul."

Another factor I repeatedly observe as common among well-meaning Christian parents: false notions about schooling.  Moms and dads, in your journey to raise up your youth to be solid men and women of God, may I lovingly exhort you: Do not rely upon any form, system, or organization for the spiritual formation of your child. The youth group can‘t do it, the church can’t do it, and your most well-intentioned choice of education will not do it.  It has been my observation, after working with many hundreds of churched youth, that the form of education makes very little difference in the state of a young person’s soul.  Government (public) education, private and/or Christian education, homeschooling and/or home-centered education…  In my experience, these distinctions make little difference when it comes to a young man or woman’s commitment and faithfulness to follow Jesus.  There are too many Christian moms and dads out there who are essentially practicing abdicative parenting—depending on the Christian school, the homeschool environment, the local youth group, to mold their kids’ hearts, to inspire their youth to godly devotion, to protect their kids from life’s pollutants.  Parents, please understand that the greatest pollutants lie in a child’s unredeemed soul, and the greatest molding for every child will always come out of their relationship with Mom and Dad, and the spiritual environment in their living room.

Read the introduction to this course right here: “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks.”

Emma Jayne Lenore - 1 month old today!

Lil’ Emma… Today is Thanksgiving, and we are giving thanks today… for you.  You are one month old this morning, and getting more precious every day.  Today and this weekend, you will meet many relatives and friends for the first time.  Sweet little Emma Jayne Lenore, we thank the Lord for your presence, your perfect little self into our family, into our lives… even in your current belching, spewing, wailing, and occasionally cross-eyed glory.  If there was ever something that could regularly wake me at 3am without driving out every sense of endearment… it is you.  I love you, Sweet Pea.  –Daddy

The following is a summary of our “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks” class session on Sunday morning, November 22nd.  (Read the introduction to this course right here: “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks.”) The fourth principle I teach in this series is “Prioritize the Pool”:

"To a large degree, it is the parents that determine the which pool their kids may swim in."

As you probably know, friendships are everything for adolescents.  Perhaps at no other time in life is the need for peer acceptance so great.  And it is a need, just like water and air; so don’t minimize it.  A kid starved for acceptance is a ticking time bomb, on many levels.  Some parents think putting good food on the table is their number one priority.  Well, right along with that must be putting good relationship opportunities on the table—prioritizing the friendship pool.  To a large degree, it is the parents that determine which pool their kids may swim in.  Your choices of housing, schooling, worshipping are the very choices that determine the wells from which your youth will drink, and the fish with which they will swim.  One of the most common spiritual derailers I have observed among churched youth is loose friendships—kids that swim in casual friendship pools.  A laissez-faire attitude on the part of parents and key influencers when it comes to friendships is a recipe for disaster.  I have long cautioned parents to be more concerned about friendships with nominal Christian kids in the church, than about friendships with non-Christian kids.  The former creates a false sense of security and encourages the adoption of a “form of religion”; the latter is pretty cut and dry.  Wherever your kids swim, realize that the air their peers have been breathing will make up the air that your child breathes—whether pure or polluted.  Their exposure will now be your family’s.  Make the choice of pools a priority—let it be reflected in your checkbook and your daytimer.

Read the introduction to this course right here: “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks.”

The following is a summary of the second half of our “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks” class session on Sunday morning, November 15th.  (Read the introduction to this course right here: “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks.”) The third principle I teach in this series is “Seek the Fear of the Lord”:

"Does the teenager under your roof, under your authority, smell in you a hatred for that which grieves God?"

Spirituality is caught, not taught.  The young people you minister to, care for, and/or parent will be most influenced not by what you say, not even by what you model; rather they will be most influenced by that which you unconsciously transmit from your spirit.  There is perhaps no more urgent need in the soul of churched America today than the fear of the Lord.  Many helpful definitions have been offered as to the meaning of this phrase (respect, reverence, awe, etc.); I find Proverbs 8:13 to give the understanding that is most plain and raw: “To fear the Lord is to hate evil.”  Youth leader, mother, father, allow me to ask you: Does the teenager under your roof, under your authority, smell in you a hatred for that which grieves God?  I am not asking about your hatred for the sin of the world that so inevitably surrounds us all.  I am asking about your hatred for the sin that you find emerging from your own flesh on a regular basis.  Does your young person have the distinct impression that you so revere and respect the name of the Lord that you are unwilling to entertain even a hint of impurity, of impatience, of compromise?  (Read the remainder of this summary by clicking here.)

Read the introduction to this course right here: “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks.”

The following is a summary of the first half of our “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks” class session on Sunday morning, November 15th.  (Read the introduction to this course right here: “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks.”) The second principle I teach in this series is “Let Your Faith Bleed”:

"You are imparting a faith to your children; you are training them how to live."

Model a holistic Christianity.  Your young person is part of the Mosaic generation, and they can smell pretense, hypocrisy, and religiosity a mile away.  In this age of information saturation, they are surrounded by reports of seemingly two-faced leaders, both in the church and in the world—people without character, without genuine convictions.  Your child knows when you are passionate about something.  Do they sense your passion and conviction about your beliefs?  A common derailer I have observed in the lives of wayward churched youth is the presence of a compartmentalized Christianity on the homefront.  If I asked your child about the faith of their parents, would they talk about your church face, your home face, or both?  If the pastor were to drop by the house unannounced, would the channel need to change, the movie need to fast-forward, or the radio station flip?  Would the cupboards or fridge need some rearranging?  You are imparting a faith to your children; you are training them how to live.  If you model a faith that fits into certain “holy compartments,” then your kids will become experts at it; and they will likely realize its shallowness, scorn it, and walk away in derision.  And quite frankly, they should.

Read the introduction I have written to this series right here: “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks.”

Autumn @ Dover-Foxcroft

The most wonderful time of the year is soon upon us.  It’s hard to believe that Thanksgiving is just days away.  And then begins the marvelous, brimming, robust, crimson Christmas blur… a flurry of bells and travel and mistletoe and mayhem.  I just love it.  I, for one, still find Christmas to be an absolutely magical time.  And this year, one of the things I am so looking forward to (I know–it is very small) is lighting a candle every night in each of the front windows.  I just can’t wait.  As soon as I awake from that Turkey nap, the candles go up!

Click above for the link to the magazine article.

Yesterday, I completed that 20-city circuit of Fall seminars and workshops. *whew*  It was a great deal of work, but thoroughly rewarding.  Joyce came with me to one presentation, up in Culpeper; and we had friends join us for others.  I learned a whole lot from the participants, too.  In eight weeks, we trained about 1,000 pastors and leaders.  A magazine article was written on the series.  You can view it here: “Strengthening Stewardship in Challenging Economic Times”.

I am directing 18 teams in 18 cities this year.

Meanwhile, on my current denominational financing project, I am very close to my target of establishing 18 teams in 18 cities across Virginia.  Within just a matter of days, I should have hit the number 250 in the number of volunteers recruited.  It’s been quite an endeavor, getting these folks trained.  On weekdays alone, I have facilitated 15 training sessions in the last three weeks, meeting dozens and dozens of risk-taking, faithful pastors and leaders.  It’s been a great experience, and we are just getting started!  I will be directing these 18 teams for the next 9 months or so, until the financing effort has been brought to completion.

Emma Jayne Lenore Schoonmaker (2 weeks)

Dr. Laila Bare, our pastor’s wife, asked me this past summer if I would consider teaching a weekly class later in the year at our church here in Charlottesville, Covenant Church.  I said I would, and I began teaching on November 1st.  The course is one that I have written, entitled, “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks.”  I thought I might share here on my blog the summarizing thoughts each week.  Here are some introductory thoughts, which I shared with the class in our first session together, on November 1st.  These are from a magazine article I have been asked to write, on the same subject:

“Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks”

Baby Emma - "Pink, Doughy & Precious!"

Tears filling her eyes, a mother makes a beeline for me in the sanctuary on Sunday morning.  Trying not to make a scene, she speaks softly through her sobs, describing her realization that her 19-year-old son, long-time youth group devotee, is no longer serving the Lord.

Shoulders trembling, a father pulls me aside after an evening service, unable to look me in the eyes, sharing the pain in his heart, feeling helpless to guide his 17-year-old daughter, once faithful and “sold out” to Jesus, now unraveling her life with self-destructive choices.

Emma sleeping on Papa's chest (1 week old)

Sometimes it’s a grandparent who is weeping.  Sometimes it’s a youth leader.  In my years of experience as a youth and young adult pastor, these moments with an anguished, grieving, disappointed parent (biological or spiritual) are among the most heartbreaking in my memory.  It’s not always grief; sometimes it’s absolute frustration, anger, helplessness: “I’ve tried everything.  Why is my child turning his back on God?  Why is she falling away, becoming wayward?”

Although a father of four young ones, I have yet to raise a teenager in my home.  I can’t speak as a parent.  But I am somewhat of an expert when it comes to adolescent spirituality; I understand the teenage psyche and spiritual formation.  After 17 years involved with youth and young adult ministry, working with hundreds upon hundreds of parents, and thousands of youth, I’ve made some observations.  It is my hope and prayer that something I have to say will benefit a parent or youth leader, either as a preventive principle or as working toward a solution for a current problem.

Papa Schoonie and Leilani on the new swing Papa built (Dover-Foxcroft Farm, Charlottesville, Va.)

Over the years, I have observed common “derailers” in the lives of churched youth—factors that seem to be repeatedly present in the families, parenting, and experiences of young people who end up running “off course” in their walk with God.  I would like to share some of these with you, and offer some “course corrections.”  Before doing so, however, a caveat:

I believe it brings Satan great satisfaction to heap debilitating and ungrounded guilt on a parent’s soul.  If I were Satan, I would find great pleasure in whispering such thoughts as: “If only you were a more godly parent…” / “If only you had ‘trained up your child in the way he should go,’ then this would have never happened…” / “Were it not for your working too much, yelling too much, not praying enough…”  On and on the accusations go, from the Accuser of the Brethren.  Allow me to say this to every parent, grandparent, youth leader, and influencer out there: There are no guarantees.  There is no formula to certify faithfulness.

Lukas Connor & Benjamin Rhys Schoonmaker

There is no perfect parenting that will ensure godly spirituality.  Let us all take a lesson from the Most Perfect Father, the Father of Lights, the Most Loving Parent, the Almighty God.  There has never been a father in all of history that has more wayward, rebellious, stiff-necked children than our Father in Heaven.  If the measuring rod for good parenting is the choices of one’s children, then God must surely be a pretty mediocre Father.

Having said all of that, I do believe that parents and other key influencers in a young person’s life have tremendous power to facilitate the best conditions possible for the spiritual vitality and longevity of their children.  I offer these suggestions for keeping the youth in your life fueled, focused, and “on the tracks.”

Next time I write in the blog, I will share thoughts from the first principle, “Earn Your Right to Be Heard.”

–Adrian

Halloween Day - a frolic in the leaves

EJLS - 24 Hours Old

I lost count at 203.  This is obviously a different age we are living in!  203 text messages, Facebook comments, emails, blog comments, IMs, tweets… even a few phone calls.  Emma Jayne, those were the 203 voices welcoming you into the world, just in your first 24 hours of life!  It’s so thrilling to see so many others sharing our Blue Ridge bundle of joy.  From Alaska to Australia, from Sweden to Iraq, the joy of new life has been celebrated by so many friends and family.  I trust that the angels in Heaven also lift up a cry of praise to our Creator every time a babe takes his first breath.

This evening, as Emma Jayne Lenore Schoonmaker is 25 hours old, we share with you some voices from this chorus of celebration:

“I can’t believe it was only 24 min of active labor!  Lord, please give me the Joyce Schoonmaker blessing as well!  “–Hershey, Pennsylvania (good family friends, also 40 weeks pregnant!)

“WOW!  9lbs… could you even imagine???  You go momma “–Virginia Beach, Virginia

Lil' Buddha Belly - 22 Inches Long

“Yay!  Welcome sweet Emma Jayne and well done my beautiful friend… so proud of you!”–Saskatchewan, Canada

“She looks a month old already.  What a cutie!”–Alexandria, Virginia

“Congratulations!!!!!  What a beautiful name!  Much love from Sweden.”–Goteborg, Sweden

“Yippee!  Praise God!”–Martinsville, Virginia

“Congrats to the Schoonmakers’, another baby in the world to love and spoil!!!! I love it!!!Receive a great big hug and kiss from our part! Love you and can’t wait to see pics of her! God bless!”–Orlando, Florida

“Congrats!  Look at the hair… my best wishes…!”–Culpeper, Virginia

“Congratulations! I love the description ‘pink, DOUGHY and precious’, lol!”–New Orleans, Louisiana

“CONGRATULATIONS!! God is so good all the time!!  Please know that you all will be in my prayers as you welcome and adjust to your new beautiful blessing!!”–Danville, Virginia

“Congratulations on Emma’s birthday.  I praise God that she arrived safely.  Please give Joyce our love and well wishes.  We are praying for her, too…”–Baltimore, Maryland

Mommy Holding Baby Emma

“CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!  What a precious gift.  I think Emma is going to be a piano player as I look at those long fingers.  She’s beautiful and I’m thankful Mom and baby are doing well.”–Suffolk, Virginia

“Little Emma is so beautiful!!!  We both checked your website last night so we could see the pics while they were still fresh. Lol. Give Joyce and the whole fam a hug from us.  Love you all…”–Branson, Missouri

“Congratulations!!!!!!  Emma looks great!  She looks healthy and ready to begin this new journey.  How is Mom and Dad doing?  Thanks for sharing such a wonderful time in your life with us.”–Appomattox, Virginia

“Hi Adrian!  We were just going out the door when I saw your email.  Congratulations to you all.  As Ps 127 says, ‘Children are a blessing!!’  So…you are truly blessed.  We will keep you all in our prayers…  Thank you-’Jesus’-that all went well!  She is adorable but so aren’t all of your blessings!  I love the name and that is quite the head of hair!”–Cape Cod, Massachusetts

“Congratulations, Schoonmakers!  She’s beautiful.  We are very happy for you all.  We caught up with you for a time, but we will let you take the lead with 4 awesome children.  You are very blessed!”–Williamsburg, Virginia

We better enjoy the sleeping beauty while we can... cuz pretty soon, it's gonna be just beauty.

“Age, Congrats my friend!  How many is this now “–Houston, Texas

“Wow!  Congratulations my friend.  Cigars for everyone!!”–Lynchburg, Virginia

“Many congrats… and blessings!”–Sacramento, California

“She’s BEAUTIFUL!!!  Joyce is BEAUTIFUL!!!  YOU are… happy!”–Charlottesville, Virginia

“She’s totally beautiful! … She is so pudgy and cute!”–Kansas City, Missouri

“Age and Joyce: Congratulations!  What a beautiful baby GIRL!! 9lber hah!, and Joyce looked like she did not just got through labor.  The pictures are beautiful, and I like her name.  God is really awesome, miracles like these amplifies His greatness. You are all so blessed.   We hope to see  the baby and you all again soon.  You will be in our prayers.  We miss and love you.”–Virginia Beach, Virginia

“Congratulations guys!!”–Long Island, New York

“Congratulations!  That is big time news.  Let the drums roll.  Hope Mom and Emma Jayne are both doing well.  God’s blessings.”–Portsmouth, Virginia

EJ Lenore... It is your full-time job to get good n chub... Plump is your profession.

“Congratulations to you, Joyce, and the whole fam!!  Little Emma Jayne is beautiful!  Our prayers and blessings are with you all…”–Phoenix, Arizona

“Congratulations Adrian and Jocelyn on the safe arrival of Emma Jayne!”–Petersburg, Virginia

“BEAUTIFUL, AGE!!!!  CONGRATS ON YOUR GORGEOUS FAMILY.”–Cherry Hill, New Jersey

“May God bless you, your wife, your children.  CONGRATULATIONS!!  What a beautiful and big baby!!  By the way, thanks for all that you do for the United Methodist Church and the Kingdom of God.”–Arlington, Virginia

“Great news, Adrian.  I feel joy and celebrate with you and your wife.”–Baghdad, Iraq

“Congratulations!!!  We always say that you two have the most beautiful children we’ve ever seen!!  What’s your home address?”–Charlottesville, Virginia

My sweet girl.

“Age! Congratulations to you, Joyce and the rest of your family! Your newest little girl is beautiful! I can’t wait to see you all and to hold her…”–Stamford, Connecticut

“Adrian, Congratulations!!!  I am so glad that Emma Jayne is here.”–Ashland, Virginia

“What a magical time.  I am so happy for the Schoonmakers!  You are in my prayers.  Please keep the photos coming.”–Fayetteville, North Carolina

“Dear Adrian–Congratulations on Emma’s birth!  What a beautiful and healthy baby girl!  And what a blessing from God!  May God bless and keep all of you always!”–Farmville, Virginia

“Dear Jocelyn and Adrian–Congratulations and WELCOME, Baby Emma Jayne!  May God continue to bless the Schoonmaker family.”–Wisconsin

“Congratulations!  She sure did take her time entering this world but glad she did so safely and healthily!  Blessings to you and Jocelyn!”–Eastern Shore, Virginia

Emma Jayne Lenore Schoonmaker

Wow!  As soon as Daddy finished writing that last blog, Mama woke up, and it was time for baby!  24 minutes later, Emma Jayne Lenore Schoonmaker was born–at 7:39pm!

With one of the most peaceful deliveries in our little family history, lil’ Emma is pink, chubby and beautiful.  Mama is feeding her right now, and this baby is FULL of non-stop little grunts.  We’ve yet to get her length, but Baby Girl is a whopping 9 pounds & 4 ounces!  I’m pretty sure that’s a Filipino Torres family record.

Emma!! 9lb 4oz!!

Joyce did outstanding–no surprise.  The nurses kept saying how she was obviously experienced at this.  Full of doughy rolls, with feet that barely fit on the footprint pad, Mama keeps saying how lil’ Emma looks like Daddy.  Wait a second… what does that say about me?

“Emma” is the name of my paternal great-grandmother, and this baby’s great-great-grandmother–Emma Williams, from the cold plains of North Dakota.

"Emma looks like Daddy!" says Joyce.

“Jayne” is an alternate spelling of my mother’s name, and this baby’s grandmother–Mary Jane (Lee) Schoonmaker, from the quiet little lake town in central Minnesota (somewhere near Lake Wobegon, for sure).

“Lenore” is the name of Joyce’s paternal grandmother, and this baby’s great-grandmother–Lenore Torres, from the Philippine Islands.

This little girl is just perfect.  I can’t wait to bring her home for her brothers and sisters to cuddle with her.

Welcome home, my wee one!

Emma Jayne & Mama - 10 minutes old

Emma Jayne & Daddy