Principle #7: Capture Their Hearts

The following is a summary of our “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks” class session on Sunday morning, December 13th.  (Read the introduction to this course right here: “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks.”) The seventh principle I teach in this series is “Capture Their Hearts”:

"Christian dads today act as though they have more authority over their automobile than they do over their own child."

“Above all else,” Proverbs says.  “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (4:23).  Moms, dads, please understand that the whole area of dating, romance, and purity is not a sexual area; it is a relational area.  As long as you think of it as sexual, you will miss the mark with your kids, and you will send the wrong signal to them.  Because this is all about heart and relationships (for both guys and girls), your greatest ammunition in this department is your relationship with your kids.  Win their hearts early on, earn their trust, build relationship with them.  Estrangement from a parent typically leads to unhealthy relationships with the opposite sex.  Dads, you especially need to get proactive, present, and intentional with your daughters.  Consider the oft-repeated illustration of the father with the classic BMW in his garage:  For years he has invested into it, polished it, cared for it, spent untold thousands of dollars on it.  One day, a neighbor boy shows up at his door, asking if he can take the Beemer out for a spin—just for a few hours, he’ll be back before midnight.  Dad’s seen this kid a few times before.  Nice enough kid.  Pleasant smile.  Heck, why not?  Everyone would call Dad an idiot for his nonchalance, his lack of discernment, his indifference with such precious property.  Yet most Christian dads today give even less thought to screening a potential suitor for their daughter; most Christian dads today act as though they have more authority over their automobile than they do over their own child.  Do your kid a favor: Refuse to entrust these decisions into their hands only.  Win their hearts early on, and make a deal together—on paper—as to how these decisions will be made down the road.  And for goodness’ sake, Mom and Dad—no, for God’s sake—learn that “equally yoked” refers to a lot more than whether the new crush is a Buddhist or a professing Christian.  Study oxen—and teach it to your kids, after you’ve earned their trust.

Read the introduction to this course right here: “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks.”

Principle #6: Walk in Your Authority

"Don’t be so scared of legalism in your home; you ought to be more scared of sin in your home."

The following is a summary of our “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks” class session on Sunday morning, December 6th.  (Read the introduction to this course right here: “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks.”) The sixth principle I teach in this series is “Walk in Your Authority”:

Parents, you are accountable before God for what is on your teenager’s iPod.  You are responsible for the conversation, attitudes, manners, beverages, media, web sites, video games, posters, and persons that you allow in your home.  All such factors contribute to the emotional and spiritual environment of your family and household—whether positive or negative.  You are called to be respectful and courteous toward your children, not provoking them, and fostering relationships of freedom and decency.  But the adolescent under your roof is not someone you got stuck with; he is the fruit of your training, your relationship, and the spiritual climate of your family.  Your youth is allowed the privileges that come with the trust he has earned—nothing more and nothing less.  One of the most destructive factors I see as contributing to the spiritual derailment of churched youth is the disease of permissive parenting.  Christian parents today need to stop taking cues from the bankrupt family values that fill our society, and start taking cues from Scripture.  Moms and dads, don’t be so scared of legalism in your home; you ought to be more scared of sin in your home.  Respect your children’s space, but don’t allow secrets and “little locked kingdoms” that are open only for your teenager’s entrance.  It is true that rules without relationship lead only to rebellion.  So don’t crack down in any area of life if the relationship bank is empty between the two of you.  Prioritize relationship, and then lay down the law in the family, in the household, for which you must answer to God.

Read the introduction to this course right here: “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks.”

The First Snowfall

The First Snowfall - about 4" of snow in Albemarle County today

Awoke this morning to big, beautiful, wet flakes slowly and silently drifting over the farm.  Landscape covered.  Trees laden.  Still.  Silent.  Cold.  Perfect.

What a joy to be with the family all day.  Bells jingling.  Carols playing.  Giggles.  Laughter.  Tumbling.  Gloves and boots a’flurry.  Snowballs.  Snow dance.  Slush puddle jumping.

Set up the Christmas tree today.  Lights a’glow.  Mommy’s warm food simmering.  Rudolph on the TV.  Wrapping gifts.  The most wonderful time of the year.

6 Years and Counting…

Happy 6 Years, My Love

It was more than 11 years ago that I stood in a park, under the trees on a hot summer day in Virginia Beach, chatting with some friends, when a small Filipino man named Fred came over to me, eager to introduce me to his daughter, Jocelyn Torres.  That day began a marvelous friendship with the most captivating, fascinating woman I have met in my nearly 34 years.  Five years later I married her, just three miles south of that meeting spot.  Ten months later Joyce gave birth to our firstborn son, and the rest has been a roller coaster ride of adventure, laughter, pain, challenges, richness and love.  Yesterday we celebrated six years together.  We were back in Virginia Beach, celebrating with her family, and we spent the best hours of the day visiting our old haunts–the patch of grass where we took vows, the trees under which we met, the restaurant we frequented while dating.  I love this woman.  My love grows deeper for her every week.  And as I frequently tell her, I am so looking forward to spending our richest years together, the years of summer, the years of autumn, and the years of winter.  Happy Anniversary, my dear.

Lukas Connor & Emma Jayne Lenore

Meanwhile, last night while still in Virginia Beach, I was at an event with some friends and relatives.  Made some new friends, rekindled some old relationships.  Church planters, ministry financiers, worship leaders, missionaries, youth pastors.  Someone caught my ear for a moment, and asked me this question, “If someone were to ask you, ‘I am just taking up my first full-time pastoral position.  What is the most important thing I can do as a pastor?’  What would you tell them?  What is the most important thing for a pastor to do?”  I thought that was an interesting question.  The question was asked with sobriety, with a genuine interest in my answer.  I told this person that I would get back to them.  The following is my answer:

The most important thing? Keep the fire burning.

What is the most important thing for a pastor to do?  Some might respond to that by correcting the question, by saying that more important than what a pastor does is what a pastor is.  That is true.  Others might respond by saying that the answer really depends on the situation, the calling, the context, etc.  There is also some truth to that.  Yet others might suggest that some of the “centerpieces” of the pastor’s life are the most important: Prayer.  Family.  Balance.  All are good answers.

My answer is this: To keep the fire burning.  To keep the flame lit.

There are several flames in the pastor’s life–the flame of one’s calling, the flame of one’s devotion to God, the flame of one’s inner sanctuary, and others.  Whatever the fire is called, there is indeed a fire that must be fanned, must be stoked, must be fed and tended.

...the flame of one's calling, the flame of one's devotion to God, the flame of one's inner sanctuary...

It is this fanning of the flame that I see as one of the most important things that a pastor can do.  Certainly different situations, different seasons call for different ways of tending to the flame.  Every pastor is different, and I think every church ought to resource and provide for flame-fanning.  Whatever lights the fire and feeds the fire of the pastor in your church–I think it ought to be the high priority of the church board, the overseers, the leadership to see to it that the pastor gets an abundant diet of that flame-fanning.

But lest it seem that I suggest that flame-fanning is the responsibility of the church, let me say that it is the minister who is responsible to make sure this happens.  I can’t speak for others, but for me, these are some of the things that feed my fire:

1) Traveling to places where the fires are hot
2) Spending time with men of God who are on fire
3) Regularly going on weekend getaways with my wife (with no kids!)
4) Traveling overseas regularly to worship with the international church
5) Reading fiery books
6) Playing, Writing, Reflecting, Creating

It was painful. It tore my heart out. It is temporary. It is one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life.

Do I think these things are necessary?  No.  Am I recommending them?  No.  I’m simply sharing some things that have fanned my flame.  You might notice the absence of things like “Pray,” “Read the Bible,” and other such important spiritual disciplines.  Well, I’m not writing about important spiritual disciplines.  I’m writing about flame-fanning.  I think that whatever works for you works for you.

These days, one of the greatest things that has fanned my flame has been this: Resign from pastoral ministry.  God led me to take that step.  It was extraordinarily difficult.  It was painful.  It tore my heart out.  It is temporary.  It is one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life.  It has been exceedingly rewarding.  It has fanned my flame.  God is sovereign.

“…I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands” (II Tim. 1:6).

Principle #5: Take Responsibility for Formation

The following is a summary of our “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks” class session on Sunday morning, November 29th.  (Read the introduction to this course right here: “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks.”) The fifth principle I teach in this series is “Take Responsibility for Formation”:

"The form of education makes very little difference in the state of a young person's soul."

Another factor I repeatedly observe as common among well-meaning Christian parents: false notions about schooling.  Moms and dads, in your journey to raise up your youth to be solid men and women of God, may I lovingly exhort you: Do not rely upon any form, system, or organization for the spiritual formation of your child. The youth group can‘t do it, the church can’t do it, and your most well-intentioned choice of education will not do it.  It has been my observation, after working with many hundreds of churched youth, that the form of education makes very little difference in the state of a young person’s soul.  Government (public) education, private and/or Christian education, homeschooling and/or home-centered education…  In my experience, these distinctions make little difference when it comes to a young man or woman’s commitment and faithfulness to follow Jesus.  There are too many Christian moms and dads out there who are essentially practicing abdicative parenting—depending on the Christian school, the homeschool environment, the local youth group, to mold their kids’ hearts, to inspire their youth to godly devotion, to protect their kids from life’s pollutants.  Parents, please understand that the greatest pollutants lie in a child’s unredeemed soul, and the greatest molding for every child will always come out of their relationship with Mom and Dad, and the spiritual environment in their living room.

Read the introduction to this course right here: “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks.”

And Today We Give Thanks…

Emma Jayne Lenore - 1 month old today!

Lil’ Emma… Today is Thanksgiving, and we are giving thanks today… for you.  You are one month old this morning, and getting more precious every day.  Today and this weekend, you will meet many relatives and friends for the first time.  Sweet little Emma Jayne Lenore, we thank the Lord for your presence, your perfect little self into our family, into our lives… even in your current belching, spewing, wailing, and occasionally cross-eyed glory.  If there was ever something that could regularly wake me at 3am without driving out every sense of endearment… it is you.  I love you, Sweet Pea.  –Daddy

Principle #4: Prioritize the Pool

The following is a summary of our “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks” class session on Sunday morning, November 22nd.  (Read the introduction to this course right here: “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks.”) The fourth principle I teach in this series is “Prioritize the Pool”:

"To a large degree, it is the parents that determine the which pool their kids may swim in."

As you probably know, friendships are everything for adolescents.  Perhaps at no other time in life is the need for peer acceptance so great.  And it is a need, just like water and air; so don’t minimize it.  A kid starved for acceptance is a ticking time bomb, on many levels.  Some parents think putting good food on the table is their number one priority.  Well, right along with that must be putting good relationship opportunities on the table—prioritizing the friendship pool.  To a large degree, it is the parents that determine which pool their kids may swim in.  Your choices of housing, schooling, worshipping are the very choices that determine the wells from which your youth will drink, and the fish with which they will swim.  One of the most common spiritual derailers I have observed among churched youth is loose friendships—kids that swim in casual friendship pools.  A laissez-faire attitude on the part of parents and key influencers when it comes to friendships is a recipe for disaster.  I have long cautioned parents to be more concerned about friendships with nominal Christian kids in the church, than about friendships with non-Christian kids.  The former creates a false sense of security and encourages the adoption of a “form of religion”; the latter is pretty cut and dry.  Wherever your kids swim, realize that the air their peers have been breathing will make up the air that your child breathes—whether pure or polluted.  Their exposure will now be your family’s.  Make the choice of pools a priority—let it be reflected in your checkbook and your daytimer.

Read the introduction to this course right here: “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks.”

Principle #3: Seek the Fear of the Lord

The following is a summary of the second half of our “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks” class session on Sunday morning, November 15th.  (Read the introduction to this course right here: “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks.”) The third principle I teach in this series is “Seek the Fear of the Lord”:

"Does the teenager under your roof, under your authority, smell in you a hatred for that which grieves God?"

Spirituality is caught, not taught.  The young people you minister to, care for, and/or parent will be most influenced not by what you say, not even by what you model; rather they will be most influenced by that which you unconsciously transmit from your spirit.  There is perhaps no more urgent need in the soul of churched America today than the fear of the Lord.  Many helpful definitions have been offered as to the meaning of this phrase (respect, reverence, awe, etc.); I find Proverbs 8:13 to give the understanding that is most plain and raw: “To fear the Lord is to hate evil.”  Youth leader, mother, father, allow me to ask you: Does the teenager under your roof, under your authority, smell in you a hatred for that which grieves God?  I am not asking about your hatred for the sin of the world that so inevitably surrounds us all.  I am asking about your hatred for the sin that you find emerging from your own flesh on a regular basis.  Does your young person have the distinct impression that you so revere and respect the name of the Lord that you are unwilling to entertain even a hint of impurity, of impatience, of compromise?  (Read the remainder of this summary by clicking here.)

Read the introduction to this course right here: “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks.”

Principle #2: Let Your Faith Bleed

The following is a summary of the first half of our “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks” class session on Sunday morning, November 15th.  (Read the introduction to this course right here: “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks.”) The second principle I teach in this series is “Let Your Faith Bleed”:

"You are imparting a faith to your children; you are training them how to live."

Model a holistic Christianity.  Your young person is part of the Mosaic generation, and they can smell pretense, hypocrisy, and religiosity a mile away.  In this age of information saturation, they are surrounded by reports of seemingly two-faced leaders, both in the church and in the world—people without character, without genuine convictions.  Your child knows when you are passionate about something.  Do they sense your passion and conviction about your beliefs?  A common derailer I have observed in the lives of wayward churched youth is the presence of a compartmentalized Christianity on the homefront.  If I asked your child about the faith of their parents, would they talk about your church face, your home face, or both?  If the pastor were to drop by the house unannounced, would the channel need to change, the movie need to fast-forward, or the radio station flip?  Would the cupboards or fridge need some rearranging?  You are imparting a faith to your children; you are training them how to live.  If you model a faith that fits into certain “holy compartments,” then your kids will become experts at it; and they will likely realize its shallowness, scorn it, and walk away in derision.  And quite frankly, they should.

Read the introduction I have written to this series right here: “Keeping Your Kids on the Tracks.”

With Holidays Afoot…

Autumn @ Dover-Foxcroft

The most wonderful time of the year is soon upon us.  It’s hard to believe that Thanksgiving is just days away.  And then begins the marvelous, brimming, robust, crimson Christmas blur… a flurry of bells and travel and mistletoe and mayhem.  I just love it.  I, for one, still find Christmas to be an absolutely magical time.  And this year, one of the things I am so looking forward to (I know–it is very small) is lighting a candle every night in each of the front windows.  I just can’t wait.  As soon as I awake from that Turkey nap, the candles go up!

Click above for the link to the magazine article.

Yesterday, I completed that 20-city circuit of Fall seminars and workshops. *whew*  It was a great deal of work, but thoroughly rewarding.  Joyce came with me to one presentation, up in Culpeper; and we had friends join us for others.  I learned a whole lot from the participants, too.  In eight weeks, we trained about 1,000 pastors and leaders.  A magazine article was written on the series.  You can view it here: “Strengthening Stewardship in Challenging Economic Times”.

I am directing 18 teams in 18 cities this year.

Meanwhile, on my current denominational financing project, I am very close to my target of establishing 18 teams in 18 cities across Virginia.  Within just a matter of days, I should have hit the number 250 in the number of volunteers recruited.  It’s been quite an endeavor, getting these folks trained.  On weekdays alone, I have facilitated 15 training sessions in the last three weeks, meeting dozens and dozens of risk-taking, faithful pastors and leaders.  It’s been a great experience, and we are just getting started!  I will be directing these 18 teams for the next 9 months or so, until the financing effort has been brought to completion.